I used to ....

[tyggerjai]

Carry a notepad & pen. Everywhere. I have scraps of paper, exercise books, notepads, black&red bound writing books full of years of writing, thoughts and angst - not all good, but writing, dammit. Then 5, 6 years ago, nada.

Sketch (badly) designs, for stuff. Lamps, costumes, furniture, just stuff. None of it got made(well, very little), but I have page upon page of designs for stuff. Then 4, 5 years ago, nada.

Play guitar. Billy Bragg, Sinead O'Connor, Leonard Cohen. I even used to write songs. Then 6, 7 years ago, nada.

Make beautiful things, by hand, for those I loved. Little gifts, big gifts, knives, sex toys, jewelry. Then 4, 5 years ago, nada.

I have grown up. No way around it. There's a spark that's gone out, somehow. I don't think it's lost forever, necessarily, and it's not all bad, but it's gone.

And it's *not* all bad, because, on the flip side, I used to ....

Write myself off, religiously, every Thursday evening with spark_au. And turn up to work every Friday hung over and useless, and do it all again on Friday night at Abyss.

Commit all manner of emotional abuse, on myself and others. qamar, and, of course, erudito can attest to this, among others. I was a mess. Then, 4 years ago , nada :)

And it all comes back to proving the old Tom Waits line - "If I exorcise my devils, then my angels may leave too.". I took a long hard look at my life, and changed what I could, and asked Goddess and my friends for help with the rest, and I've been blessed since then with the perfect partner, and serious, longterm friends, for the first time ever. But apparently I've paid the price for that. And I think it's time to renegotiate - see if I can't keep what I've found, but get the other good stuff back.

I dunno. We'll see. More time with a notepad, less time with a computer. But then I've said that before. Take a class, maybe, or just resolve to take the bike out travelling on weekends in summer, and *stick* to it this time.

We'll see.

Wow. A self-indulgent post. Full of "me, me, me" and "angst, angst angst". Maybe there's hope yet ... :)

jai.
.

Comments

[strang-er.livejournal.com]

It'll be interesting how many people come back with "me too, me too, me too".

(In general terms, here's number one).

[tyggerjai.livejournal.com]

More interesting, I think, to see who fails to tactfully refrain from responding the other way. I can think of a couple of people who seem to be going through the creative phase at the moment. But then you and I, we're older ....

;)

sol.
.

[qamar.livejournal.com]

Mmmm, more self-indolgence, *more*

There is something necessarily creative about life when you're drowning. Something tight, wild-eyed and beautiful. Attraction to the flame? Burn your wings just to touch the centre?

Somehow sitting in cafes at dawn when you've got the Best Person Ever TM lying in bed waiting for you just doesn't feel *sensible*

Solutions? Become a Dice Man...

[qamar.livejournal.com]

indulgence even...

[kitling.livejournal.com]

Someone was mentioning to me the other day that for the first time in a long time you look alive with a light in your eyes.

I had a similar thing coming to frisbee some months ago when suddenly you looked happy and healthy.

I'd blame the gym

Now, I've known both Jai's and seen a reasonable amount of the in between.

I like the current jai very much, but then i also really liked the guitar playing androgenous dancer i first met.



take care you

[bunnikins.livejournal.com]

If you want more angst in your life, babe, I can help with that. Just buy me a chainsaw & stand back. Can probably help with the notebook thing too - you'll need one if all the magic smoke escapes from the computer room, right?




I'm kidding, don't hurt me;)



Except about the chainsaw - I never joke about chainsaws.